• Michelle

Last weeks drama

Thas week I endured heartache for a daughter I will probably never have, and through that discovered the best of friends, family, and what Jesus’ love really looks and feels like.

Are you confused because I haven’t blogged about it much? Ok, I’ll explain.

I have always wanted a daughter. I longed for one; I cried for one, I prayed for one. I coveted other people’s daughters. (I know, I’m such a sinner. I deserve death, but am so grateful that Jesus ensured my place in heaven)

 
Please, don’t get me wrong. I love my boys. Love, love, love my boys. I wouldn’t trade them in for the whole world, even if I do threaten to or even contemplate it at times. But little girls are different and I can’t really explain why a daughter is so important to me. I told James once that he gets to pass on all his manly stuff to our boys. You know, the burping, the farting, the sports, teaching them how to be a Godly man and the spiritual leader of a family. I don’t get to teach anybody my girly stuff, my womanly things. How to sew, or bake, or how to love your husband the way God intended.

But, James didn’t want any more kids. After a pregnancy scare earlier this year, James decided he wanted to make birth control a bit lot more permanent. We discussed it and prayed about it, and the decision was for him to… you know… My reason for this decision was because I didn’t want to have more kids if it wasn’t right for BOTH of us. It may be right in my own heart, but my love and respect for my husband out weighed my longing for a daughter and always will. So, James… you know… had the procedure. During these discussions, we talked about adopting a little girl when the time was right.

Then…

A few months later, 4 of my friends announced they were pregnant and having girls. I admit, I was jealous. Ok, I sat at my computer fuming over the injustice of it all. Screaming (in my head) at God for not giving me a daughter and wondering what I had done wrong to not deserve a baby girl. This was during the time I played ‘Bejeweled Blitz’ on Facebook a lot, so I can no longer play that game without those feelings coming back. I even told one of my (pregnant) friends that God was laughing at me by giving all my friends girls. I know, I’m so shameful.

Last week, though, was the toughest for me…

The baby shower.

All the pink clothes, the flowers, the hearts, and the pretty little hand band.

As mom-to-be placed the baby head band on her own head, my heart hurt. It hurt because I’ll never have my own little girl to place pretty head bands on. There will be no hearts, no flowers, no Barbie dolls, no Cabbage Patch Kids. No pink plastic hair clippies. I know, I’m so selfish.

 
I didn’t even realize how much it hurt until the next day in church. I started crying. Not bawling like a baby or sobbing. Just silent tears falling from my right eye. Not my left, just the right. That’s when God showed up. He sent one of his servants to minister to my broken heart. She gave me a hug and sat with me through the service and just let me cry. Afterwards, she prayed with me.

The rest of the day was a blur. I had told my friend, Lori, about the baby shower incident the day before but told her I was fine. After church, I sent her a text letting her know that I, apparently, wasn’t fine. She too, prayed for me, and sent me words of encouragement.

Still, I couldn’t shake off the funk I was in. By Monday morning, I was numb. Which, by comparison, was much better. As the week progressed, I was slowly starting to feel more like myself. I wasn’t completely dreading the baby shower I had to attend for another one of my friends. Thursday night, I thought I had finally gotten over the funk and chalked it up to PMS.

But, I was wrong.

Friday morning, I was on the phone with my mom and a song came on the radio. The song was ‘Hold my Heart’ by Tenth Avenue North. The lyrics were: “One tear in the driving rain, One voice in a sea of pain. Can the maker of the starts, hear the sound of my breaking heart.” While the overall song is very uplifting, these words had me crying again. I did, however, manage to shrug this off a little quicker this time. I had to get into the office to start my very busy day.

I managed to get through the next day’s baby shower without any heartache. It was a beautiful shower. To my surprise, the fabric I had picked out for this baby’s blanket matched some of the fabric squares that mom-to-be and grandma-to-be had used in the quilt they are making for her. I did not have any melt downs in church either.

I cannot explain to you or even to myself why this had me in such a tail spin. I’ve even thought that feeling this way is selfish. I’ve tried to rationalize to myself that I can’t help the way I feel, but it still feels selfish. I keep thinking, ‘why can’t I just be happy with the blessings God has given me?’ But I am. My boys bring me such joy like I’ve never known. (Yes, I’m including James in with ‘the boys’)I am so grateful for them. I hugged Gary through most of worship that one Sunday morning.

So, today is Tuesday. Or what’s left of it. I am cautiously optimistic that this ‘funk’ is over. On a good note, James and I are discussing adoption a little more seriously. He still feels strongly about not wanting any more kids, but we are praying. Praying that God will show us both what is right for our family. That if a girl is what He wants for us, then James’ heart will be changed. If it’s not, then that it is my heart that is healed. While we wait upon the Lord, we have scheduled an appointment with DES to go through the adoption orientation to at least see what would be involved if we decide to go that route.

And, on an exciting note – remember the bedtime stories I blogged about here and here? They finally came in! Our library of bedtime stories has increased by 8! Our new books are:

The Grumpy Dump Truck – I read this book to the boys tonight, and I don’t think this book will be around for very long. It was kinda dumb.

How to Behave and Why by Muuro Leaf

No, David! By David Shannon

Dewey There’s a cat in the library! By Vicki Myron and Bret Witter

Cloudy with a chance of meatballs by Judi Barrett

The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein

The Itsy Bitsy Spider by Kate Toms

and

Charlotte’s Web by E.B. White

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