• Michelle

The looney bin, or close to it

John’s idea of a snack
John: “Mom, can I have a snack?”

Me: “No, it’s almost dinner time.”

John: Runs into my bedroom because he knows daddy always has snacks on his end table.

Me: Sees John running into our bedroom and knows exactly what’s on his mind; runs in after him, just as he reaches the end table; observes him look around for a second then watch as he walks back towards me. He’s clearly got something in his mouth. With hands on hips, ask “John, what are you eating?”

John: “Oh, just my boogers”

Gary’s idea of logic
Gary: “Did you know that nobody ever gets hurt in Garyland?”

Me: “Really? Like nobody ever gets hurt there?”

Gary: “Nope, nobody ever gets hurt in Garyland.”

Me: “Well, what about the bad guys?”

Gary: “Well, they get hurt. Of course.”

Me: “But you just said nobody ever gets hurt in Garyland.”

Gary: “Except the bad guys.”

Me: “No, you said nobody which means everybody does not get hurt. You didn’t specify any exceptions in your comment.”

Gary: “I don’t know what that means.

Me: “That means, with no exceptions then the bad guys don’t get hurt.”

Gary: “I just said they get hurt. I’m a ninja and I’m the only one in Garyland that can hurt the bad guys.”

Me: “Do you get hurt?”

Gary: “No, I’m a ninja!

Me: “Oh, ok. That’s clear as mud.”

James’ idea of keeping me off the computer for a whole weekend.
James: “I’m going to take the CPU to the desktop down to Staples and have them clean it up so it runs faster.”

Me: “Oh sweet! How long will that take?”

James: “A couple of days.”

A few hours later

James: “You couldn’t go a whole weekend without your precious computer and the internet.”

Me: “Yes I could. I’m not an addict.”

James: “Yes you are. I’ll bet if you don’t get on the computer at all this weekend I’ll be taking you to the loony bin by Sunday night.”

Me: “You’re on”

Fast forward to Saturday night.

James: “Crap, I’m out of insulin.”

Me: “That sucks.”

James: “It’s really late and I’m all ready in my underwear. *sigh*”

Me: “That sucks even more.”

James: “I’m kinda hoping that you’ll go to the pharmacy for me since you’re still dressed and all.”

Me: “No.”

James: “I’ll life your computer ban if you go.”

Me: “The ban isn’t really for you to lift, now is it? But ok, I’ll go. If you kiss my toe.”

James: “WHAT?! That’s so gross!”

Me: “Have fun at the pharmacy.”

James: “Which one?”

Me: “The one you broke. Twice!”

James: Puckers up and kisses my toe.

Me: Goes to the pharmacy and picks up his prescription. Gets back home and tells James, “Now my computer ban is lifted! Woo Hoo!”

James: “No, you said I had to kiss your toe and I did. The computer ban is still on.”

Me: “I don’t think so! You said I could have it back if I went.”

James: “Then you changed the rules.”

Me: “No I didn’t, I just added to them!”

15 minutes later

James: “Hey, come check this out on the computer.”

Me: “What is it?”

James: “Just come look at it.”

Me: Sits down at the computer and enters the password into the laptop; gets an error message that the username or password was incorrect; enters the password again; gets the same error message. “Did you change the password on the laptop?”

James: “Yes, I did. The ban is still on!”

Me: Taps out password after password because I know all of his usual ones but nothing is working! Sees a button for ‘switch users’; presses the button but no other users pop up; presses Ctrl/L to get the list of users to come up but no success.
James: “Oh, and I also removed the other users”

8PM Sunday night

Me: “Well, since the weekend started at 8pm on Friday, then the weekend ends at 8pm on Sunday.”

James: “I don’t think so. The weekend ends on Monday.”

Me: “Do you want sex?”

James: “Yes”

Me: “Then give me the password!”

James: Changes the password on the laptop.

Me: Plays on the laptop for the rest of the night

My idea of helping James cook
James: “All I need you to do is stir the pasta roni after the water starts to boil. Then, start the microwave about 5 minutes before dinner is ready. Can you handle that?”

Me: “I’m not an idiot! I know how to cook some things.” Reading the directions on the back of the Pasta Roni; it says to slowly pour in the pasta and special seasoning; looks in the box, removes the seasoning; opens both packets and dumps the contents of both special seasoning and pasta into the pot all at once; stirs contents; pot boils over. “Crap!”

Once dinner is served

FIL: “Do we have any veggies to go with dinner?”

James: Looks at me.

Me: Looks at the microwave; jumps up and presses ‘Start’.

James: Looks at FIL – “They’ll be ready in 5 minutes. We can have them for dessert.”

James & FIL: Give me dirty looks

Me: “What? You know I’m inept in the kitchen. Why does this surprise you?”

After the microwave dings

Me: “Someone better get that, you know how inept I am in the kitchen. I don’t want to ruin the freshly cooked vegetables.”

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